Until you find yourself, it's impossible to lose you

I've noticed that in collge i've stayed true to me. Many people changed as soon as mom and dad left but not me. I stayed the same i changed very very little.And here we are at the end of another year and the start of a new one. I really have to admit I knew it was coming but it didn’t really hit me until last night when I took more in that one second to think about it. A whole year has gone by. Another rotation began. It’s been a whole year since I decided Murray State just wasn’t for me yet. I need hope. I need security. I need home…God. Soon I'll be 20. That’s how I see it. Gives me a kick in the butt. Makes me want to do what I want more and get rid of everything making me sour.But that’s not today. That’s tomorrow. Today is about remembering not planning. And it seems this year has more to remember than most. It’s been one pretty messed up year. To think we’re I was at this point last rotation and to think where I am now. I’m fairly reluctant to read over old letters, papers and even old posts on here I made within the last year for fear of what I might re-discover.But briefly let’s just recap this year. August ‘09 - leaving my friends, leaving a party I felt part of to go and sit on a block of cement. With no clock no radio no concept and a cold heart. Just knowing I needed something new. A new start perhaps, a new way of thinking of my life and where it was going from here. A way out of DramaVille, KY (Georgetown) and way from that high school that caused pain but yet some great memories.My summer at ended at college no more was I a baby being protected from the world by my mom, my aunt, and my granny. It ended. On to a new life. Lots of hidden words from people and lots of anger towards one. But that anger only holds a person back in the end. There were lots of conversations. Parkside with Leah and Nikki around this time, the two I hated to leave the most besides my mom.A party - where I took the cheap way out. The stupid way. I still try not to regret it though because in turn it has made me a different person. It still makes me feel vulnerable to some but it has made a difference. Running away to a old life into a new one seemed scary but really helped me understand what mom had been telling me about all my life...being with new people in the end. Putting myself under the spot light. Finding out who I was. Giving myself up to new people. Going out with new friends. Growing closer to my mom and my “sisters”. I even found it in my Heart to stop with all the hate towards my James(my dad) I can’t even bring myself to say that but when I type it I start to cry. I can’t even explain it. But it makes more sense than the hatred we always had. Learning to live with new people. Being opened to new experiences. New ideas. New lives. And even through this. More people. In the end we all realize we have problem and you need to grow to fight for what you want. you fight and then moments after you regret it. You realize you have more problems. You stand back. You wait. You go out and ignore what’s around you. Make one remark and get thrown back in. And from there you watch more movies than you ever have been to before. You find that you are more open to questions. You have actually changed through the events of the year. And you sit and cry and the person you are now. More like you than before took a risk and met people - people I did not know. I spent a day with them. Got to know them. Say another side. I took the risk and trusted a lot of people. And to my surprise a lot came through for me. I admit this year; I took a lot of time just worrying about myself. But I don’t think that all in all a bad thing. I have defiantly come out a different person to where I went in. I think I’m almost confident enough to go re-read last year.